The Bible gives us a primer on how to live with our fellow human beings: Live peaceably among all people, avoid repaying evil for evil, and let love be genuine. Although most of us would probably agree we should practice these virtues, really living into them is difficult. We have to give up some familiar things – things that are comfortable – things that may even be like a security blanket that we cling to, like Linus in the “Peanuts” comic strip.
For example, we may sometimes need to give up our pride. With healthy pride, we can give way to others more easily.
But letting go of unhealthy pride isn’t easy. Unhealthy pride may be a defense mechanism developed to hide feelings of inadequacy or boost poor self-esteem.
Working through these issues is a lot of work. It means hours of prayer and reflection, and sometimes spiritual direction or even therapy. It requires truly understanding that we are created in the image of God, loved by God, and that our value comes from God. Letting go of unhealthy pride is hard, but critical to building healthy relationships with others.
We also need to let go of the need to win. The need to win at all costs hurts and alienates others. It fails to respect others’ dignity because it reduces people to obstacles to be overcome.
We also may need to let go of resentments.
Sometimes we carry resentments so long they become comfortable for us. Holding resentments is often easier than doing the work required to heal the hurts within us.
It also keeps the focus on others’ flaws, rather than allowing us to look at our own. Yet living by these principles means shedding these resentments and placing our identity in Jesus rather than in “how we were wronged.”
Being a Christian means we have to die to ourselves. It means we have to be willing to let Jesus transform us. It means we can’t even control that transformation.
We have to simply ask God to remove these barriers to us living lives of genuine love and give up the need to control how God does this. Perhaps asking God to change us and giving up control is the hardest part of Christian living. Yet, to keep growing as Christians, we must also give up control.
Doing the work to let go of these character flaws is difficult, yet we gain rewards. Our relationships improve. We connect with others more deeply. Our mental health also improves.
For example, the need to be right is a core component of perfectionism. Psychological studies demonstrate a clear correlation between perfectionism and anxiety and depression. Those studies also link hubristic pride with clinical depression. Needing to be right all the time also triggers anticipatory stress, which makes our hearts race and our muscles tense up.
The need to get even also hijacks brain pathways, leading to emotional exhaustion and leaving little energy for the relationships we value most. It floods our systems with adrenaline and can lead to high blood pressure and poor sleep.
On the other hand, practicing genuine love releases dopamine, which boosts mood. Closer connections with others alleviate loneliness. These connections also support our immune system. Hugs and kind acts also release oxytocin, which calms our nervous system.
Living in harmony with others, forgiving slights, and showing genuine love are hallmarks of discipleship and are how we worship God daily.
To worship God in this way requires that we “die to self.” Yet, this worship also lets us live healthier, richer, and fuller lives. Through denying ourselves, we arise and truly live.
