Vote for Me!
by Mary Wakefield Buxton
Urbanna, Va.— “Vote for me, Get things free!”
Yes, my friends, you guessed it, the 2016 presidential campaign has begun and I’m running for president. “Vote for me, Get things free!” is my campaign slogan.
I call my idea hitting the jackpot. (For me, my friend, not necessarily for you.) My promise is simple as pie. I will give you everything you want.
Don’t worry about the cost of my “Vote for me, Get things free” program. Not to worry. “The rich” will pay for everything. I also promise that I will absolutely never tax you, my friend . . . only your neighbor.
The rich will pay our bills. They have lots of money just waiting to be taxed. Why should they have money when we need it? Do you believe they actually earned their money by working hard and saving it? I’ll bet! They got their money by taking advantage of us and therefore their money is our money.
Who started that false rumor anyway that hard work and careful planning have anything to do with becoming rich? The rich got rich by good luck. Vote for me and I’ll get our money back. (You can absolutely trust me to take their money and give it to you.)
Here’s the deal: All we need to get things free is to get enough people to vote for me. Only about 60% of Americans bother to vote in elections and all we need to win is a mere 51% of that 60% of voters. That’s called democracy.
Then, when I win (oops, I mean when we win), I can get you all the free things you want. Trust me.
It’s a great plan (especially for me), because once I get into office, I can get everything free—my big federal salary, life-long benefits including a generous pension plan, numerous free vacations for me and my family to any place in the world, my own private airplane to take me anywhere I want to go, and red carpet treatment—all paid for by the American taxpayers. Best of all we politicians qualify for a superior federal health program (you don’t expect us to accept Obamacare, do you?). And there’s one final benefit. Once I solidify my political power, it’s easier to oust a king than vote me out of office. (Just you wait and see.)
Working hard to earn money is a concept that went out with the dinosaurs. Why should we work hard for money when I can get us all the free things we want simply by taxing our neighbor?
Oh, I know, some people will say my “Vote for me, Get things free” scheme is just a new form of slavery for hard-working citizens. But why should anyone be forced to work for money if he doesn’t want to work? This is America, not Siberia, the land of the free! If someone doesn’t wish to work, then why should he work? It’s not fair!
Money should be provided free of charge to all. Everyone has a fundamental right to money! Just look at the Declaration of Independence. It says right there in black and white that every man has a right to “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” Well, how’s a man supposed to pursue happiness if he has to work all day long?
I suppose some old codgers will insist that work delivers purpose and fulfillment in life, and a life without work is empty. I’m a fair-minded person. I promise to allow those who insist they work to go on working and paying taxes to support the rest of us. Furthermore, if I’m elected, I promise no one will be forced to quit his job and stop paying payroll taxes.
But, let’s be honest. Who really wants to get up and get dressed and go dragging off to some boring old office and put up with some difficult boss all day long who only ruins the quality of the day by insisting on making a profit and pleasing customers? Or worse, put in a grueling day of physical labor at some construction site. Please. Don’t we have more important things to do?
Here’s another promise from your favorite pol. Are you tired of paying those nagging monthly bills? Are mortgage, gas, food, water, sewer, phone, and cable charges getting you down? Why should anyone in a free society have to be bogged down with a lot of ratty monthly bills?
Vote for me, Get things free!
Oh, one more thing. If anything goes wrong with my “Vote for me, Get things free!” program and we run out of money, just repeat after me: Blame Bush.