Reforming Mary’s Health
Urbanna, Va.— “Good morning, Mary.”
“Who’s calling please?”
“This is your friendly IRS.”
“I don’t have any friends at the IRS!”
“Now, now, Mary. Let’s not have any of that. We’re calling to check on your health insurance policy.”
“Then, you don’t want any more money?”
“Well, now, let’s not jump to any speedy conclusions, dear. May I call you dear? Of course I want more of your money. I’m a tax collector, aren’t I? Joke, Mary! Feel free to laugh. We’re merry at your friendly IRS.”
(Pregnant silence while Mary controls riotous laughter.)
“Now, Mary, let’s get down to business, shall we? I have your medical records in front of me. Getting a bit round in the rear, aren’t we, dearie?”
“Now wait just one minute, sir! Who are you to mention my weight? I refuse to discuss my health with anyone at the IRS!”
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| by Mary Wakefield Buxton |
“Now, now dear, aren’t you aware of the fact that we have a new health bill passed in Congress by your friendly Congressmen?”
“Friendly Congressmen?”
“Now, now, dear. Let’s not have any attitude problems this morning. The point is, you’re too fat, Mary. There. Now I’ve said it. What are we going to do about it? How many desserts do you eat in any given week?”
“That is none of your business, sir!”
“Madame, I’m afraid that it is. You see, if government is going to pay for your health program, then why should we pick up your medical tab if you, ahem, are getting a bit too chub- chub?”
“Now look here, Mr. IRS, maybe I have gained a few pounds this year! But my husband likes me the way I am!”
“That’s what they all say, Mary, that is, before they walk out the door. Joke, Mary! But, speaking of your husband, we have his health records, too. It looks to me that he may have a few too many extra pounds on him. May I ask what he ate for breakfast this morning?”
“Bacon and eggs!”
“Aha! I shall make a note of that. And you are both on cholesterol lowering drugs! Do you think that it is quite fair that taxpayers should have to treat you for high cholesterol when you and your husband partake of high cholesterol foods?!
“Well, we eat oatmeal 3 times a week!”
“That’s very good, Mary. I shall give you a star by your name. By the way, do you eat butter with those bacon and egg breakfasts four times a week?”
“I didn’t say I ate bacon and eggs four times a week! By the way, I don’t like you calling me Mary!”
“Ah, I shall make a note of that, Mrs. Buxom.”
“It is Buxton, sir!”
“Oh, sorry. Of course. I must advise you by law that you have the right to remain silent. You may consult with a lawyer if you wish. The point is, Mrs. Buxom, the jig’s up. Your friendly government is going to nudge you into making wiser food choices so that we can make our half billion cuts in Medicare. A thin Mary will have much lower medical bills than a plump Mary. Er, excuse me, I meant to say Mrs. Buxom.”
My friend at the IRS hinted at the coming “fat tax.” Anyone who weighs over their federally-recommended weight will have a little extra added to their annual income tax bill.
“I’m going to vote you out of office, sir!” I said. “Anyone who tells me I have to eat oatmeal more than three times a week has just pushed too far!”
“I am not elected, Mrs. Buxom. And, dear, just between you and me, have you ever tried to get a bureaucrat fired?”
“Don’t call me any more, Sir!”
“Would you prefer emails, Mrs. Buxom? We can send you free daily menus that will aid your weight reduction!”
“NO! I don’t want telephone calls, emails, or letters regarding my health plan!!!”
“Tsk, tsk, Mrs. Buxom, your blood pressure may be rising.” I see you occasionally have elevated blood pressure, dear. You simply must control your temper!”
“This conversation is making me feel as if I am going to have a stroke!”
“That does it, Mrs. Buxom. I have tried to remain rational with you. But now I see I will have to place an X by your name.”
What does an X stand for?
“Lip. You will be hearing from our department on attitude. Goodbye, dear. And watch those desserts.
(The above is satire and not to be taken as factual, especially as it relates to my weight. It is written solely for enjoyment simply because laughter is always the best medicine.) ©2010
http://www.marywakefieldbuxton.com
