On Being Fair
Urbanna, Va.— The lawyer came home from the office the other day to find me deep in my writing. “What’s the subject du jour?” he asked. He was hoping I was finally assembling recipes for a cookbook, but no.
“President Obama wants to make all things in life fair. So I’m working on my Fairness Doctrine,” I said.
“But life isn’t fair, my dear,” he responded.
“Hah! That’s exactly why I’m working so hard! My plan will make it fair!”
“I thought that came from income taxes and distribution of wealth.”
“Nonsense! Money isn’t everything! I have stumbled on the two most unfair areas of all in life and I mean to make a change!”
I explained to the lawyer about the first unfairness—people have different longevities. “It isn’t fair that some people die early and others live on to 100! Look at you, dear, 71 and still alive! When others have passed on long ago!”
“What would you have me do, jump off a bridge?” he asked.
“No, dear, but if we want to be really fair, you should pay a life tax.”
“Now wait just one minute! I already pay quite enough taxes, thank you!”
“Here’s the deal. Say the norm for life span is 72,” I explained. “If you live beyond your expectancy, you pay a life tax every morning to the U.S. Post Office.”
“Why the post office?” he asked.
“Because the IRS is already too busy collecting income taxes and now also has to check to make sure everybody has purchased mandatory health insurance,” I answered.
The lawyer stared at me. “I’m not paying your life tax and furthermore, nobody else will either!”
“But I want fairness!” I cried. “I want all people to have the same of everything in life, including the same longevity and the same level of intelligence!”
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| by Mary Wakefield Buxton |
“Simple. I plan to instill a brain tax. Everyone will be administered my new federal IQ test. Anyone with an IQ over 100 will be taxed on a graduated scale similar to an income tax. The brighter you are, the more you will be taxed!”
“Why in the world would anyone want to tax smart people?!”
“Because it isn’t fair that some people are smarter than others!”
The lawyer sighed and said, “Has it ever occurred to you that if anyone has any brains at all they would purposely fail your IQ test so they wouldn’t have to pay your brain tax? Furthermore, the life tax might depress people so much they would be willing to drop dead ahead of schedule just to get out of paying another new tax!”
“Hmmmmm, I didn’t think of that,” I said.
“Why are you doing this, Mary?” he asked.
“I want life to be fair!”
“Life never will be fair no matter what scheme you or any government devises. Anyway, I’m hungry! What’s for dinner?”
“I have been trying to think of a fair dinner to cook for you,” I said.
“What? What? I’m hungry! I’ve been working hard all day! I don’t want fair food! I want real food!”
“Now, now dear, a vegetable plate wouldn’t be so very bad.”
“I want meat!”
“But is it fair, dear, that you should have meat when others eat vegetables?”
“This has gone far enough!”
“That is precisely why I have prepared you a meatless dinner tonight. Meat is making you argumentative!”
“I’ve had enough of your fairness! I’m going out to dinner! The lawyer marched to the door and stopped. “Want to come?” he asked coyly.
“But would it be fair?”
“I’m going to the Virginia Street Café for the nightly special. Smothered chicken and mashed potatoes. Would it be fair if I go out to dinner and you stay home?” he asked.
“That definitely wouldn’t be fair!” I answered.
I worried another few minutes about the fairness of it all and then grabbed my keys for the car. But the dogs were waiting at the door. Lord and Lady gave me their double-barreled guilt-laden look. “It isn’t fair that you are going out for dinner tonight, Missy, and leaving us at home?” they said. I had to promise to bring them a treat before they would let me leave.
That’s when it hit me. What’s fair in life shouldn’t just apply to humans! To really be fair we have to include all species on earth! But what about the other planets in our universe? Stephen Hawking’s theory suggests there are many other universes beyond ours and to be fair we would have to include them too!
I could see my fairness doctrine would need a great deal more time and study on my part. But is it fair that I should have to do all the work?
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