A Sure Case of Tax-i-tis
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| by Mary Wakefield Buxton |
How do retired, unemployed or citizens living on fixed incomes pay more taxes? Where is the money supposed to come from? Manna from heaven?
Taxes are becoming a number one threat to public health. I call it a growing epidemic of Tax-i-tis.
Someone told me that she liked paying taxes because she was “supporting government.” Whether paying taxes is pleasant or not probably directly correlates to how many taxes one has to pay. People don’t realize how many taxes and fees they pay. I once figured my overall taxes and license fees paid in one year, and the amount was so staggering I almost dropped dead of shock. Then I remembered death taxes would be due, so I stopped myself just in time.
First for about half the citizenry comes April 15 with a date with Uncle Sam, and then May 1 with the Commonwealth. Then, Urbanna residents are really fortunate because we pay property taxes to both the town and county.
Living in Urbanna is like belonging to an expensive country club. “Club Urbanna,” I call it. My club offers a swimming pool, garbage pickup, and town manager Lewis Filling, who will come over any time I need help. He also hugs me when I see him, which in itself is worth every nickel of town taxes.
To cut back on taxes one must first wise up. Take the boat tax. I once had a 36-foot trawler that is now replaced by a row boat. I used to live on the river, but moved inland after I saw how tax appraisers used to salivate when they reassessed waterfront property.
I used to have multiple dogs until I realized the county collects license fees for dogs and cats. In a real pinch, I could trade in “Lord” and “Lady” for a pair of gerbils.
Dine at Middlesex restaurants and save big. The lawyer complained about spending too much on dinners out, even when I told him how much money we were saving with no county meals tax. “You could save a lot more money if you stayed home and cooked dinner,” he replied. What? What?
Every year I receive a tax bill for my computer as a “professional writer.” I might junk my equipment and write my columns on slate tablets. Do they charge tax on slate tablets?
I can dodge the alcohol tax by buying provisions at Ft. Eustis. There is one problem: with every bottle of wine I am charged 5% for a “military activity fund.” Does that mean my drinking wine is financing a war?
Gas taxes are easy to escape by biking everywhere. I don’t mind biking to the post office every day, but it does take some time to bike to Richmond.
When I bought my racy black sports car I was hit with the infamous annual car tax. The good news is my car is now 5 years old and the car tax is plummeting. Unfortunately, so is the value of my car. I plan to keep it forever to escape another big car tax. One day the car will be so old the county will be paying me each year just to keep it off the road.
Steep cigarette taxes were not so easy to escape. I had to quit smoking. It was harder to quit smoking than to pay taxes.
A problem is that if the “bread winner” ever retires, how do I pay taxes? I might move into a tree house? Surely they don’t tax tree houses. The only problem I foresee centers mainly on issues of comfort. I am not a bird.
Or, maybe I could move into a tent? How about if I called it a tepee? I must have some Native American blood somewhere in my background and maybe I could claim my tepee as a reservation and seek tax exemption?
Then, telephone taxes. Would friends mind terribly if I started sending pigeons with messages tied to their feet? Or send smoke signals from the backyard grill?
Airport taxes are easy to escape. I can always hitch-hike on my next vacation. The good news is there is still no tax on sunshine, wind and rain. Bodily functions are also still untaxed: swallowing, sneezing and coughing.
But who knows how long before some bureaucrat figures out a way to tax us for say, laughing? My best advice is to laugh now while we can still do it for free.
http://www.marywakefieldbuxton.com
